Dark Side and Reality of Living Afflicted as a Christian

Disclaimer: I didn’t write this to be petty or to call out others. I wrote this to be raw about the reality of being an afflicted Christian. I want to share my story for others to understand.  

I am alone a lot, and it is not by choice. People don’t choose to isolate, not even autistic or mentally ill people. God didn’t create us to be alone. God created the Church as a community of believers to love one another and bear each other's burdens. His Church is founded in teaching His Word, obeying His Commands, unified in Him, and living out the Great Commission (2 Timothy 3:16-17; John 14:15; Romans 12:5; Mark 16:15), but too many churches have abandoned these for man-centered, man-made inventions. When a church veers off His plan, that community is disconnected and broken and no longer acts as a church. 

In many ways the man-made, man-centered church is at fault for the problem of loneliness in afflicted Christians. They have coffee. They have classes. They have small groups. They have many activities, but they have no community like in the Early Church of Acts. I fear being a burden on others. I fear judgment. I fear further isolation, even from my brothers and sisters in Christ. I come to services, worship, and classes but as an outsider looking in. Many times, I feel like the unwelcome guest that is tolerated. After gatherings, I leave my imposed isolation until the next week. During the week, I may attend small groups, or home Bible studies, or church Bible studies, but still the deafening silence fills my life, reinforcing that I am alone. I am an outsider even in my church community.

Our broken churches are fueling, not only loneliness, but the increasing suicide rate, increasing drug addiction, increasing porn addiction, increasing false teaching, increasing false man-centered gospel, and many other ills of comtemporary society where broken churches reflect the world, not God’s Word. Our world is mired in sin and ruled by Satan - our adversary. 

I rarely initiate social invitation because my mind can’t comprehend how to. My week is filled with endless ways to connect with others, aimlessly walking through the grocery store to hear a real human voice. I make routine trips through the drive-thru for the same unhealthy meals to interact with another. I slowly give up on a healthy routine of cleaning, bathing, and cooking. Why clean, bathe, or cook during this isolation? No one is stopping by; I am not hosting an event. I wear the same outfit like a uniform of imposed imprisonment. Sleep becomes an enemy. I take naps during odd hours; nighttime sleep hardly exists. It is easier to skull away the evening in isolation during the more natural rhythms of the normal people. Solace of the night falsely energizes me for the next day, but I long for normality and community like in Acts. 

I was a part of a church community that was centered around the gospel with  a vibrant Great Commision culture, that truly lived out bearing each other's burdens. During a very dark part of my life, Sundays at this church community was a place of restoration. My weeks were filled with isolation and constant suicidal thoughts. God used the church community to protect me from my own mind. God grew me through this community. Unfortunately, like many other communities it veered into false teaching. Many churches have coffee bars, concert-like worship centers, cafes, swag, programs, events, groups, etc., but they are not based in the Gospel of Christ, the Great Commission commanded by Christ. Are we (as individuals, churches, organizations) making things too complicated to engage in the Great Commission because we just want to avoid being obedient?