Madness Within the Inferno

Suicidal Ideations are a numbing, deafening isolation from reality, an all-consuming fire erupting within my brain. My skull can barely contain the burning inferno, mindlessly submitting to the raging flames. These thoughts are involuntary and submerge logic and reasoning into a helpless, drowning consent to lunacy.

At the beginning, outwardly, my thoughts don’t betray my mind. I appear rational, holding sublimed conversations, while an inferno infects my brain, hours to days to weeks. Weeks disappear into months and even years. Nothing seems to break the lunatic flames of suicidal thoughts, raging into psychosis.

Conversation is a rambling mess of words without structure. So, I retreat to isolation; I am living in a stark, winter-burned landscape blistered by the sun. Outwardly, the rationality breaks down into a diminishing need for sleep or an inattention to hygiene. Sleep eludes me; it is a liability, leaving me destitute for relief.

Suicidal ideations drown in Beethoven’s Ninth. The thoughts smolder away. The madness of Beethoven’s music consumes my mind. His music refocuses rationality and logic. God’s beauty within Beethoven’s composition soothes my mind and restores my thoughts – until next time.

I routinely struggle with suicidal ideations. These notions are a piercing, deathly loneliness. Some days the fire is consuming and other days it smolders. I wonder why God doesn’t remove this thorn. I wonder what His plan for these reckless thoughts is. Through all the wondering, I know He is with me. He has sent a Helper, who quenches the flames. I praise Him in the ashes.