Living through a pandemic with bipolar and Asperger’s
What is it like to live with bipolar disorder and Asperger’s during a pandemic?
In mid-March 2020, the world seemed to shut down like someone pulled the plug. I was scheduled to go on a mission trip to Ukraine, and that was canceled. This was terrible, because I love serving in Ukraine. My church became virtual. At first, my mood was optimistic. Most people were calling this a lockdown, quarantine, or shut down. I looked at it as a staycation. But then I developed mania and felt like a wild animal confined to a cage. I still could go out, and didn’t have to wear a mask, but most places were closed, even local parks. Life seemedto be slow but sort of normal. A lot of things were changing, and change is not good for someone with Asperger’s. In late March, I surrendered my leased car, because I could no longer afford the payments. Thankfully, God provided another car.
Sometimes, I felt like I was living out the movieGroundhog’s Day. March became April became May. In late May, the governor of Virginia mandated that you must wear a mask in public places. Up until then Virginia was mask-free. It was a blessing to still have employment with an architect builder firm and a property manager. I stillhadwork, because God provided it. I was working hard to keep a balance with the mania. Things were changing, and my mania grew worse. Things were made more difficult because my church services and Bible studies were virtual, and my Bible community groupshut down.
This virtual world has wrecked my attention span. It has made impossible to focus, read, or watch tv. I developed problems with self-structure and motivation. I tried to keep to a routine, but failed many days. I wasted a lot of time. My church community provided a lot of stability. It was a struggle and it was hard, because I enjoyed Sundays worshiping and serving. The summer seem to slowly go by. But God provided more stable employment and I got a contract with a local private school to provide photography services.
Our world has become a strange place. Faceless people wandering around 6 feet apart. I feel more and more like an alien in my own community. My mania subsided in the mid-summer, but I developed some sinus issues and migraines. Increasingly, I felt more disconnected from my church community. My Asperger’s triggered obsessive thoughts that a great injustice was placed on me through the mask mandate. How could the governor mandate such an injustice on people like me? I felt less free, because I didn’t want to be arrested or hassled.
September rolled into October, which was overwhelmingly busy. I turn 50 on October 6 and became a full-time missionary with SALT. God has called me to full-time missionary work. I am still working as a photographer part-time. Sadly, at the end of October, the young man in my apartment building took his life. It was quite traumatizing and tragic. I keep his family in my prayers. Two friends asked, why do you think God put this sad event in my path? I am praying for clarity.
October rolled into November, and I was physically and psychologically exhausted. I slept, but I got no rest. I took baths to relieve the stress, but the stress was still there. Some days I would take three baths, but the stress never left. I lost joy. I had lost my appetite. I was just plugging along. I developed a serious depressive episode. My psychiatrist gave me a new medication. Everything has become very tedious and complex to be able to do. It is difficult for me to wear masks, because I have sensory issues, I have PTSD, and lowered lung capacity. After wearing a mask for about 20 minutes my chest hurts, I feel like I can’t breathe, and then I start to panic. Also, it is hard for me to navigate communication with someone who doesn’t have Asperger’s. I have learned a lot about facial expressions to navigate communication. The mask hides this. I feel like I’m in a foreign country without knowing the language.
Surprisingly, my bipolar symptoms have been problematic, but more manageable. Asperger’s has manifested itself in an obsessive compulsion of feeling persecuted by the mask mandate. I became obsessed with Covid. What is it? Even though it was very difficult to focus to read, I read anything about Coivd and issues surrounding it. The virtual world continued to affect my attention span. I couldn’t even watch a minute-long video on YouTube. I just felt like my mind was racing around my skull. I felt increasingly isolated. Isolation is the worst enemy for people afflicted serious mental illness. Loneliness is deafening. I have an amazing support community, but I still felt alone. At one point, I couldn’t feel the presence of God. But I did not lose hope. Below are some helpful tips that I have clung to during this pandemic.
What helps afflicted people during a pandemic?
Understanding God is in control, and He will provide in many ways. (Isaiah 55:8-9; Philippians 4:19)
A support community, which is like a network of many friends. Your church community can be a great asset. (1 Thessalonians 3:12)
Keeping an open line of communication, through text, and phone calls. (Galatians 5:13)
Reaching out to your treatment team and your support community. Do be afraid. (1 Peter 5:7)
Keeping a routine and having accountability for this structure. (1 Thessalonians 5:11)
What can I do for the afflicted?
Pray for that loved one to see how God leads you. (James 5:14)
Reach out to them by phone call. (Galatians 6:2)
Let them lead the conversation. Be a listener, not a problem solver. (Mark 4:24)
If possible, meet and fellowship with them. (Hebrews 10:25)