Love: Learning and Allowing

Emotions are a strange labyrinth within a rabbit hole for Aspies. Often, we struggle with the interpretation of social cues, missing jokes as the room fills with laughter. Our obsession on narrow, strange topics of conversation renders others into lifeless boredom without our perception. Aspies are generally intelligent and well-spoken, but we have no clue about the social world around us. We can seem rude, inconsiderate, or arrogant by our lack of emotional response to others.

Emotions are frightening. Anger is overwhelmingly the most enigmatic emotion to deal with. Many times, our anger is explosive. Personally, I don’t engage in confrontation especially with strangers. Our reactions are weird or out of place. Joy, happiness, sadness, gratitude, empathy, compassion, and many other emotions seem flat and robotic like. Love from family and friends is hard to process. It is not that we don’t completely feel love from others, we just don’t fully understand.

We mask emotions to fit in. Masking is psychologically exhausting. Aspies attempt to fit in and not be an outsider. As a child, I never hugged my grandfather. Hugs are physically painful, like the sharpest spears piercing my skin. My chest constricts and panic roots itself. Will I escape this doom that fills my thoughts? Even though I know that many display love with an embrace, I still fear the hug. I will never kiss another person on the cheek, but God has relieved many of my fears of the hug.

Love is what our walk with Jesus is about. Jesus commands us to love our God with all our heart, love one another, love our neighbor, and love our enemies (Mark 12:28-34; John 13:35; Luke 6:27-36). How does an Aspie understand and obey His commands? Simple: it is by His saving grace (Ephesians 2:8; Philippians 4:13). Years ago, I traveled to a nursing home in Ukraine. To be honest, when I was asked, I wanted to flee. I loved going to the orphanages; the kids were fun. Yet, God called me to go to these grim, gloomy nursing homes. God moved me to allow the residents to hug me. They needed this embrace in their isolated community, where they were often rejected by their children. God knew they needed a hug, and only through Him was I not fearful of the hug (John 3:30). 

Now, hugging is not so grueling. I still would not be the one to initiate the hug. If you see me and want the hug, please ask.