Suffering and Bitterness
Jesus said whoever wants to be His disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow Him. (Matthew 16:24-26) Although we will never suffer the way Jesus suffered for us, suffering is hard. Succumbing to bitterness during suffering is difficult to avoid. Suffering is isolating, we feel disconnected to our Lord and Savior, our family and friends, and our church community. Why God? Why?
This past spring and summer, God blessed me with provisions for several mission trips. These trips were amazing and God-glorifying. I was able to complete all the necessary paperwork and government applications for Abnormal Missionary to be an independent ministry. I opened a new bank account and donation system. I started moving monthly donors to the new system. The process was slow, but God blessed the ministry. Prayerfully, all the people I asked to join the board for the ministry accepted. The Poland and Germany trips were incredible, and God was moving. Then, the end of the summer slammed down on me.
Unfortunately, I lost some work. I also suffered a terrible sunburn during a family trip in Ocean City. Half of my back had a serious second degree burn with several huge blisters. It is still extraordinarily painful. The burn destroyed many nerves in my skin. Sleep was very difficult, and clothing felt like sandpaper. The area is still very red and dry. Since I lost one job, I became obsessed with just getting enough hours to cover monthly living expenses. I was not blogging or doing any ministry work. September rolled in, and I had isolated myself due to my work situation and the sunburn. I spent many hours alone. My sleep became more and more of a mess, sleeping a lot during the day and staying up all night. September became a time of physical, financial, and psychological distress. I started worrying and wondering. I would lay in bed and watch the ceiling fan.
My prayer life is often lacking, because it is typically hard for me to be still and quiet. My mind is always racing. During the summer, I started reading a book by George Müller at a friend’s recommendation. His radical prayer life impacted me. Would I be able to have this type of radical faith and prayer? I started praying more, but I wondered about the suffering.
The physical suffering, financial stressors, and psychological distress cannonballed into suicidal ideations. I was scared, alone, and afraid to tell anyone, but God encouraged me. I reached out to my board and others. The responses were phenomenal. I was fearful of being judged. They showed me amazing grace through their prayers and advice. There was a resounding consensus that ministry, living on mission, was the plan which God has drawn me to. Although I am frustrated with the seemingly constant issues, stressors, and struggles, I am vigilant to not allow it to snowball into bitterness and anger. I am using my time alone for prayer and reflections instead of fueling anger and bitterness. A friend pointed out that I may have been replacing God as provider, with my employers as providers. I justified this by rationalizing that God has provided them as my employers, but God is provider – no one else. I looked at the conversation between Job and God. Job could never understand God’s ways. I could never understand God’s ways. I am included in His plan and will, because He loves me. God doesn’t need me for His plan and will to be done.
Anger is difficult for people with Aspergers. Anger is explosive and leads to cancerous bitterness. I could have easily become consumed with bitterness. The last time I was hospitalized, it was because I allowed my anger to fuel bitterness. This bitterness was toward God. I was angry because He didn’t answer a prayer. He didn’t do what I thought was best. This bitterness turned into an episode of psychosis. As chaotic and crazy as this time was for me, God used it for His plan and will. During this current suffering, I am reminded of Job and God’s conversation. As we follow Jesus, who suffered the most of any person that walked the earth, we must deny ourselves and take up our cross.
“When my soul was embittered,
when I was pricked in heart,
I was brutish and ignorant;
I was like a beast toward you.”