Visible Invisibility: Life on Two Spectrums
A lot of times I feel visible invisibility. Mental illness is labeled the disease of the lonely. Autism is a conduit of the lonely. Living with both a mental illness and autism is extremely difficult. Some symptoms are similar, but then there are other symptoms that exacerbate each other. There are many times I want to be alone; but then there are times that I long for connection. These connections are tremendously arduous to understand and establish. I always seem visible but invisible to the world around me.
My mental illness creates a disconnection with others, because relationships can be one sided. This makes long-term relationships difficult to maintain. Others can be exhausted by tending to me. I feel that I need to isolate and not overwhelm others. Sometimes, I push others away when I’m in lot of pain. Other times, I will back out of a social circle, because I’m overwhelmed and afraid.
Mental illness fabricates walls of shame, and stigma. I feel shame during and after a crisis. I feel shame during and after hospitalization. I feel stigmatized after a mental health topic is in the media, because I wonder how others will react to it. In the past, I have had people say to me, “Are you going to be the next mass shooter?” Statistically, the mentally ill are victims of violent crimes, not perpetuators. I have been stigmatized by fellow believers with comments: you need to pray more, you are committing sin, and you have not repented.
Feeling lonely and autism seem to be strange bedfellows. Autistic people need less human interaction. Socializing is incredibly exhausting, both physically and emotionally. Because of societal constructs, autistics feel strangely longing for social connections that we have no tools to navigate. Autistics will back out of social gathering like weddings and parties, without notice and at the last minute.
Working full time is a nightmare of social dynamics and logistics. After a full eight-hour day, I would retreat to decompress both physically and emotionally. Not understanding social interaction in a causal setting, like when to say something and when not to, what to say and what not to. Spending the day overthinking and rethinking every statement I said. Or spending the day feeling isolated and left out, because I didn’t know how to interact socially. I want to be a part of this world, but then it is a logistical nightmare of communicating and nonverbal social cues.
Living visible invisibility is a daily part of my life. I feel lonely in a room full of people. I am always the spectator, not the participant. Also, it is very difficult for me to understand why people don’t reply when I ask a question via text or email. This creates a lot of anxiety and overthinking. I obsess over bizarre thoughts of rejection or questioning what I did. Many things about communication are lost in translation to me.
Many times, the mentally ill are romanticized in popular culture. Outsiders see the mad genius like John Nash inBeautiful Mind or Vincent van Gogh. Rarely, do outsiders see the raw reality of daily struggles of mental illness or autism. I am not saying outsiders can’t be compassionate or supportive of us. Mentally ill and autistics can make outsiders fearful, but we can be just as fearful too.
“You are a warrior in a dark forest, with no compass and are unable to tell who the actual enemy is, So you never feel safe .”
How to Stay Connected. Or How to Connect with Those Struggling with Loneliness.
Check In: schedule time to connect with others via video chats, such as a morning coffee break. Just check in and ask how everyone is doing.
Keep Learning: try to learn new skills or enrich your hobbies or interests. Strive to learning something each week. Open the Bible and learn something new about God’s wonderful design and plans. Share with others what you are learning, and books, podcasts or webinars that sparked your thoughts.
Listen to Music: Music has a powerful psychological effect on healing. Create a playlist of your favorite upbeat music. Play it while working or take time just listening.
Acts of Kindness: Serve others by random acts of kindness. You can play for someone else’s order in the drive thru. Write a kind note and drop in the mail to a friend.
Stay Connected: Create a private group online to share scripture, photos, recipes, experiences, and other encouraging ideas.
Join or Ask a Friend to go for a Walk: Get outside and fellowship while enjoying God’s creation. Fresh air is healthy way to clear your mind, while getting a bit of exercise.