Autism Awesomeness Month
I was that weird out of place kid. The one that never fit in with any group in school. Even the weirdos didn’t accept me. School was a navigational nightmare. As soon as I got into the routine, summer recess began. I loved summertime, I was free to ride my bike and not be restricted on medications. Summer was not completely free, because I was always lucky to be assigned summer school and educational enrichment. On top of undiagnosed Asperger’s, I had many learning disabilities, especially relating to reading and writing.
Since I had learning difficulties, I was held back twice. Elementary and Middle School were extremely difficult. I had “school-itis”. I spent a lot of time at the nursing office, because I played sick to get out of school. My mom knew better and always told the nurse to let me wait a bit. Most of the time I would sit awhile in the nursing office and then get bored and return to class. In Middle School, my parents divorced, and this made me more of an outcast. Not many students had divorced parents. I was still the outsider looking in.
My Health Room Log
High School was not much better. I was still the weirdest kid in the school. Never fitting in anywhere or with any group. I didn’t go to football games, dances or other traditional high school events. I didn’t even feel a loss for that, because my world was different than my peers. I graduated, but I didn’t walk across the stage. My mom wasn’t happy that I didn’t participate with graduation. I didn’t care and didn’t see the need. High School was over, and I was on another path to navigate.
College was another strange world. With an ill-thought-out plan, I went away to college. I ended up in local ER with mental health problems. I returned home before the semester began. The following year, I enrolled at UMBC and earned a BA in Visual and Performing Arts, emphasis in Photography. At UMBC, I fit in more, but I didn’t seem to make any real relationships with my peers. I was still outside looking in. During college, I started therapy and was diagnosed with Asperger’s and Bipolar. My therapist was my student therapist in third grade. (Weird, but I still see her today.)
At this time, I meet two young boys that I played Legos with. They loved that an adult played on the floor with them. I always had a problem relating to my peers but could relate to young people. One of the boys would bug me about going to church. He would ask me why I didn’t go to church all the time. I enjoyed playing Legos and reading books with him and his brother, but I hated the questions. So I just decided to go to church just to get him to be quiet. I just kind of sat in church beside him. Didn’t pay attention much. But one day the pastor spoke about John 9:1-3. I was having a lot of difficulty understanding my purpose and why God would make me this way. Being that weirdo, the outsider always looking in, I never fit in with any group or any place. God made me for a purpose and John 9 explained it.
After graduating, I was accepted at Maryland Institute College of Art graduate photography program. During grad school I was in and out of the hospital with bipolar issues but God blessed me and I finished Grad school on time for the first time in my whole educational career. I did adjust well at grad school I would go out with my peers I made some connections but not deep connections. I did walk across the on stage for the first time when I received my MFA.
After school I was disappointed that I didn’t obtain a job at a university or art gallery or museum. I didn’t realize God had another plan for me. It was hard trying to navigate different things, trying to figure out my purpose in the sense of what the world sees a success. I still had problems relating to other Christians at my church – I didn’t show most emotions like other people would.
The first time I met the assistant pastor I kind of growled I wasn’t very clean, and I didn’t look in the people’s eyes. I would stay upstairs at my sister’s house and when she would have a gathering, I would come down and get mad at people for touching my stuff that was in the common areas. But for some reason these Christians kind of put up with me especially the family with the two boys. They had eight children and I seemed to get along with all of them.
Some people did find it difficult to relate to me at the church. Some people believed I needed to pray more, that I had some kind of unresolved sin, or didn’t read the Bible daily or something else like that. I found it very difficult in social situations when people wouldn’t hug me, or people wanted to shake my hand or things like that. Going to a gathering or fellowship event at the church was like walking through a minefield of thumbtacks turned upside down with the pointy part exposed with no shoes on. I just didn’t know what to do, what to say, how I should dress all those kinds of things a lot of anxiety would build up in me if I had to go to these events.
One thing that was easy for me at the church was serving. I love serving locally and regionally and globally. I seem to understand serving the best. I would photograph events, make videos for special events out of photos, help with program designs, and other things they needed me to do. I loved making meals for others when they were in need and delivering them. Serving was the easiest for me. Praying was hard because for me to be still was difficult. As a child I was rocked back-and-forth but that seemed to give away to just shaking my leg constantly. I actually have to concentrate not to move my leg. I loved going to church on Sunday I’d love to Wednesday night prayer meetings, but praying was hard for me and it’s still hard for me. It is hard for me to settle and be silent in front of God and pray. I have a lot of distress and ashamed about this.
God showed me many things through serving. I served at a camp for the disabled and He showed me that I was blessed with a lot of things. Although my life was very difficult with relating to other people. And God designed us to be with other people but I had difficulty being with other people. God showed me at these camps I had freedoms like I could drive, and I lived in a home with my family. Most of the campers lived in care facilities but even though it was difficult with my family I had a family to live with in a home. I had a lot of freedoms that I never saw before.
In 2010, I started serving in Ukraine. God showed me many things about my purpose in Ukraine. You would think a person with Asperger’s and bipolar would not be able to adjust the serving in Ukraine. I had been to central Europe many times, but I had a culture shock in Ukraine. It is very different than central Europe in America even though the people look a lot like me it was different. One example is that on a bus they are jam-packed into that bus there is no personal space. For a person with Asperger’s it’s not an easy situation to deal with - you don’t like being close to people because it’s physically painful.
As an adult with Asperger’s, it’s still very difficult to live from day to day: change is very difficult, relationships with other people are very difficult, communication is very difficult between other people, but God has showed me through McLean Bible church that I have a community and people that are willing to deal with the difficulties and walk with me in the difficulties. People don’t just say you need to pray more. Or you need to resolve some sin issue, or this is a sin. They look at me as the creation that God made me. And I want more people to know a community like this because I believe that God designed the church to be that component to complete the recovery of dealing with a chronic condition. He designed his church to walk with the person, to disciple that person, to engage that person. The gospel and the Great Commission are for all nations and all people regardless of disability, race, or sex. It is for all it’s an amazing gift for all people. And in the gift is the hope of Jesus Christ.
I still have ups and downs sometimes just like a roller coaster because these conditions can be episodic especially mental health issues. My Asperger’s can be triggered, and it is very difficult having a mental health problem and a developmental disorder. It’s like sometimes having two minds in one brain fighting each other. Without my church community, my recovery and stability would not be very effective. I truly believe God made the church to help all people with all kinds of different illnesses and disabilitie