Blame
When I was first diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and Asperger’s, these are the states of blame I went through:
STAGE 1: BLAME GOD.
I blamed God. I blamed Him a lot. I was angry toward God. How could he make me intelligent, but then give me such a serious mental illness. Why would He make me this way? How could I serve Him? What was the purpose? Would He ever heal me from these afflictions? I seemed to blame God for a very long time. In my immaturity, I didn’t see His glory in these afflictions, but John 9:1-3 revealed His glory in my creation.
STAGE 2: BLAME OTHERS.
While I was blaming God, I started blaming my parents, my siblings, and a lot of other people. I blamed the doctors, because they had to be wrong. How could I be this defective? My IQ was very high, but teachers didn’t understand how to teach me. My parents’ bad relationship and divorce - that was to blame. The way my siblings were treated was to blame. Teachers and doctors mislabeled me. Everyone else had a problem, not me.
STAGE 3: BLAME CIRCUMSTANCES.
When blaming God and others failed, my circumstances caused my afflictions. I grew up in a lower middle-class family. My parents only had high school educations, which led to our poorer economic status. We could not afford many of the material things others had. I wore hand-me-downs, which made me a target for bullies. Because I was held back two years, I never fit in with my peers. My parents’ divorce was unusual in the area I lived. Many of the other students’ families were still whole. Growing up, I was not an easy child, which caused a lot of turmoil in the family. My early childhood seemed to be endless appointments, tutoring, and medicines. Still, I didn’t understand why I was afflicted, I just was.
STAGE 4: BLAME BIOLOGY.
Later I blamed my biology. It was in my DNA. How could I be responsible why it was in my chemical make-up, in my brain, and ran through my blood. I can’t change by biology. Even tough, they could not image what was wrong with me, it was there. Invisible but visible through my thoughts, actions, and behavior. This re-enforced my blame of God. He made me this way. He made me broken. But why?
STAGE 5: BLAME MYSELF.
Lastly, I blamed myself. I caused these afflictions. My sin caused these afflictions. God could not create me in His image with these afflictions. The hurt was so great that I was numb to emotional and physical pain. Cutting temporarily releveled this numbness. My mind and thoughts were perverted into believing these false realities. Cutting became normal part of my life until 2004. Blaming myself was the fulfillment of blaming God, others, circumstances, and biology.
STAGE 6: ACCEPT MENTAL ILLNESS AS SOMETHING TO BE USED FOR GOD’S PURPOSES.
God revealed His truth in John 9:1-3, because He made me for His glory. As a Christian, I am not of this world. I was looking at the world status, not God’s status. He calls the broken to do His work. David was not the world’s pick to be the future king of Israel, but God picked him to lead His people. David struggled a lot, and he fell short a lot, but God was glorified through David’s life. Just like David, God called me to Ukraine. He showed how my journey would be His glory in Ukraine. God created me in His image, and gifted me with Bipolar and Asperger’s for His Kingdom building.
He can reveal to you His glory in your afflictions and struggles. Just open your eyes to His truth in the Bible, and open your ears to hear His truth through prayer. God is so good and His plans are not grounded in our world or our timeframe.
“As he passed by, he saw a man blind from birth. And his disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Jesus answered, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him.”